


Zootopia the Musical: A to ZPD (feat. Benjamin Clawhauser)

by The_Qing



Category: Zootopia (2016)
Genre: Death Wish, Detective Noir, Musicals, Other, Parody, Retirement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-05
Updated: 2016-03-05
Packaged: 2018-05-24 22:16:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6168736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Qing/pseuds/The_Qing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clawhauser welcomes Judy Hopps to the Zootopia Police Department...through SONG!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Zootopia the Musical: A to ZPD (feat. Benjamin Clawhauser)

**Author's Note:**

> What if Zootopia was a musical? That's the underlying conceit driving this grim (albeit upbeat) number. Might write more songs in the future if inspiration strikes.
> 
> Enjoy!

**Clawhauser**

Welcome to Precinct 1 of ZPD!

We handle crimes from A to Z!

From Assault & Battery to Zoning!

From Litterbugs to Illegal Cloning!

I see that it’s your first day here,

So let me make just one thing clear,

Don’t slack off or take a bribe,

Or Sweet Chief Bogo will have your hide!

I’m kidding, sorta, chin up and grin,

I’m Dispatch Officer, Benjamin.

**Judy Hopps**

Well I’m Judy Hopps from the next town over,

Here to keep the peace, the law and order!

**Clawhauser**

Order? Peace? A jape! A jest!

Oh yeah, here’s your Kevlar vest!

This town’s a jungle, chaos reigns,

We’re less a cure and more band-aid.

We’re undermanned and underfunded,

Worked to death and not promoted,

You’ll prowl the streets, the slums, and bars,

Stun Gun’s ready, here you are!

I’m glad you’re here to join the fray,

Last night, Sergeant Leyman passed away!

The wake was quick, but full of worth,

Chief Bogo said some touching words.

**Chief Bogo**

His favorite color was orange.

**Clawhauser**

Hard to play off of though.

**Judy**

Your comm is flashing.

**Clawhauser**

Got it. Hello? WHOAH!

_(turns to face his fellow officers)_

Eeney, Meeny, Miney, Moe,

I wonder which of you should go,

To the docks and put a stop,

To the bear who’s killed four cops!

**Officer Goat**

My wife just left me and took the kids,

Drove out of town and off the grid.

**Officer Dingo**

My dad just died, no need for tissues,

He left me nada apart from ISSUES!

**Officer Lemur**

My blood is boiling, I’ll take the case,

Let me loose, I’ll chomp his face!

**Officer Boar**

My yoga instructor blew my mind,

Am I the dreamer or the butterfly?

**Terrence**

_(shakes head)_

Just here to visit, I’m retired!

**Clawhauser**

So you’re jobless? Great you’re hired!

_(pushes them all out the door)_

Bon voyage, I’ll see you soon,

Four failed to work, but five should do!

**Judy**

Six would be better, don’t you think?

To find and toss him in the clink!

**Clawhauser**

Patience, Hopps, we’ve loads of time,

Lots of Crooks and Lots of Crime!

_(RING! RING! RING!)_

A stampede riot? Who’s to blame?!

10-car pile-up? What a shame!

A bison brute is mugging mouses?

Stole their purses, then their houses?!

A gang war between Crows and Larks,

A one-eyed gull is poaching sharks!

Brace yourself, bunny; Write that will!

This city’s mean; the threats are real!

Lock and load and say goodbye,

Because Bogo’s putting you on Viiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-!

**Chief Bogo**

Parking Duty. Here is your hat, the keys to your personal three-wheeler (electric), ticket dispensation device, and your vest. Your vest that is colored ORANGE.

**Clawhauser**

You’re no fun, Chief.

_(Bogo makes a little wave and goes back into his office)_

**Judy Hopps**

I’m a…meter maid?

**Clawhauser**

Er, no. You’re not JUST a Meter Maid. You’re a meter maid for the

_(illegal fireworks go off and cop and criminal alike starts dancing and singing)_

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!**

  
**PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!**

  
**DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!**

_(cops then subdue the prancing crooks with nightstick beatings)_

_ _


End file.
